I'll Hold You In Heaven - a post on the pains of miscarriage

Posted on Dec 15, 2012 by Amy

Whelp, I am finally back to the blog after weeks of nausea, exhaustion, and a serious case of "baby brain". With this pregnancy just the thought of pumpkin, pizza, and blogging made me want to run! My husband and I were excited to discover that we were pregnant with baby number three a few months back. Our excitement soon turned to sadness when we discovered last month that the baby had passed away. On Tuesday evening, November 20th 2012, my husband and I loaded the kids in the car and drove off to have our very first ultrasound. The baby looked beautiful. Measuring around 8 weeks and 5 days. I wanted to cry tears of joy when I saw the little peanut on the screen but I held my breath. Our nurse hadn't said a word and I had yet to hear the heartbeat. There was no heartbeat. Our sweet friend, and nurse, prayed over the baby and us. She asked for us to come back in a week to take a second look. Maybe the ultrasound just didn't pick up the heartbeat. Maybe the baby was going to be okay. After all, it measured right on track and had every other indicator of being a healthy baby. We left and we waited. We visited family for Thanksgiving but decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy. I took it easy and we prayed. Everyday we prayed. I was still nauseous but less nauseous. I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner but I hated it. The food was delicious but I wanted so badly for the smells of Thanksgiving to be stronger and my feelings of nausea to remain. I hated enjoying thanksgiving food. I hated every bite. It was Tuesday, November 27th. We went back for our follow up ultrasound. At this point I was once again able to button my jeans but was still having some of the nausea, moodiness..etc. Maybe the slow disappearing of my pregnancy symptoms was all in my head. You know, confirming the horribly insensitive people all pregnant women hate who say that pregnancy symptoms are all in our heads? :) We saw the ultrasound. We saw the baby. We saw no yoke sac. We heard no heartbeat. We drove home. I cannot remember the last time I cried that much. "The Notebook" doesn't hold a candle to the tears I cried that night. We picked up my husband's car from his work and he drove home with the kids. As they drove off I sat in the car in the empty parking lot and cried. I prayed and I praised God. My pain was so strong but for some unearthly reason not unbearable. I praised my God for taking the baby. I praised Him because I was confident that His will was greater than my own. I praised Him for giving me this confidence and pleaded with Him to hold me tight. My God may give and take away but my God always loves. And I knew that. As I cried my heart out in the car, I wasn't alone. I praised God for that. I praised God for what I knew He could do through my tears and through my pain. The days following the news of our miscarriage were long. My body refused to give up the baby. After a 3rd ultrasound confirmed the death of our baby I was put on medication to induce labor and abort the miscarriage. Without going into too much detail, it took 5 rounds of this medicine and 2 additional medications to complete this process. The physical and emotional pain combined was beyond what I could have imagined. Through it all, I have learned so much and my journey is not near over. One thing I have learned: Following Christ holds no promises of avoiding pain in life. Here has been my revelation through all of this: Look at all the people groups around the world and think for a minute. How many people can relate to joy? I am sure the number is not that large. But how many people can relate to pain? There is not one grown person (or very few young people) who can say they have not had pain in their life. If I, as a Christ follower, lived a live void of pain I would end up loosing probably the most valuable common denominator I could have in relating to and loving others in this life who experience pain. We are called to live in this world. In this world there is pain. In painful times we have a choice. We can allow our pain to distance ourselves (emotionally/physically) from others AND God. OR we can choose to let it draw us closer. Now you see, when we choose to trust God through our pain He will give us hope, peace, and joy. But we have to choose to trust Him. I cried to him. I pleaded with him. I even yelled out in rage and anger but through it all I trusted Him. He is faithful to always help us through and give us good gifts of joy and hope that we cannot have without Him. When we think it is not fair- we look to Jesus Christ. There is no pain we go through that He can't relate to. Remember the "common denominator" point? Christ was perfect and sinless. He did no wrong to deserve his penalty. Other religions that deny him as God's son still recall him as a blameless steward and servant. Christ was abandoned. Christ was alone. Jesus Christ was neglected. Jesus Christ died an unfair death. Jesus was murdered. There is no pain I can go through that He cannot walk beside me and not understand. Why did Jesus Christ die on the cross for us? Through this experience, I have regained a simple glimpse at the answer. I may not be able to hold you through your pain but there is One who can. He did with me. He never let go. His love for me is one I want to share. Through my pain, may you be blessed. - To read this blog in it's entirety visit Amy's Blog. - Have you or someone you love recently experienced a miscarriage, still birth, loss of a child, or abortion? Here is an incredible resource for you to read I'll Hold You In Heaven. A great friend recommended it, and I am currently reading it too. -thanks Jo Ellen ;) ?