Parenting Teens Is Like Trying to Hold a Bar of Soap - Slippery!

Posted on Jul 29, 2013 by Wendy

Parenting teens is like trying to hold a bar of soap – hold it too tightly and it slips out of your hand; hold it too loosely and it falls! I can attest to this frustration firsthand. With three teens in my home, there are days that I feel like I am trying to hold a slippery bar of soap and failing miserably. Although there are special joys and challenges at every stage of parenting, some of the most confusing times are the years your child spends as a teenager. This is often when parents throw up their hands and question their skills. During these years, it is important to understand the developmental changes that your teen is experiencing physically, mentally, and spiritually.

We expect and accept physical changes because we watch them happen. However, during this time there are less visible changes occurring in your child mentally and spiritually.  Understanding these changes is an important key to parenting through this challenging time.

Mentally, around the age of 11 or 12, your child begins changing from a concrete thinker to an abstract thinker. For parents, the school years are exciting, and we learn to teach in concrete ways because from about the time that your child enters elementary school, his brain learns and processes in concrete ways. During these elementary years, children are knowledge sponges but then, without warning, everything changes – They begin to think abstractly and hypothetically. They begin to think like you! However, since there is no big announcement of this mental change, parents often miss this transition and continue to parent in the same way that they have been parenting throughout the “concrete years.”

If our children change but our parenting style stays the same, conflict results! This is why it appears that arguments are a normal occurrence in the teen and ‘tween years. Your child begins to challenge your authority in new ways that can be daunting.  As difficult as these changes might be, they are necessary and good.  God is preparing your child to leave your home and to be able to stand on his own in the world.  Your child is learning from you how to think and behave as an adult. When you find yourself in the midst of the frustration of parenting teens, stop and consider changing the way that you are addressing the issue. The confusion causing the problem between you and your teen is possibly stemming from the need to communicate in a different way. Your message may stay the same, but the way that you present it might need to be adjusted.  During these times of angst, remember, your teen is changing…and in the long run, it will be good!

Parenting your child spiritually through these years might just be the most difficult challenge. Because of the physical changes in their bodies, your teens will be faced with choices that they have never before encountered.  Because of mental changes, they will be tested to think through and navigate unseen rewards and consequences.  Coaching your child through this stage is difficult. Remember the soap analogy: grip too tightly and your teens will slip away; loosen your embrace too much and they will fall.

Your adolescents need to think and make decisions on their own, but they need you to coach them through those choices.

Work on finding a good balance, and do not be discouraged. Understanding the developmental changes in your child doesn’t mean there won’t be struggles, but it will make your daily challenges more surmountable. 

CLAIM IT: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

ACTION: Buy a bar of soap and begin to intentionally wash your hands with this soap.  Every time you wash your hands, pray for wisdom in parenting your teen. If you can hold this bar with your right hand, imagine how much more secure the hand of God is! The road will have challenges, but God chose you to be the parent! He trusted you – ask Him to guide you!

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